Well, here goes nothing…
For
a while now, I’ve been thinking about who I am. It seems that once I had a baby, I completely forgot about
focusing on myself every now and then.
But, then I remembered that I was never really good at that in the first
place.
Here’s
the thing, if you know me, then you probably know the Cassie that is shy and
reserved until she gets to know you.
You may know the sarcastic and quick-witted Cassie that loves jabbing
back at people in a fun and innocent manner. You may know the Cassie that is pretty easy-going. However, most people do not know the
real me. I have a really hard time
letting people in and this post is not an easy one to make. I feel it necessary though.
For
as long as I can remember, I’ve been hard on myself. I have never known my true value and worth. I, Cassie Franklin, have terrible
self-esteem. [If you want, you can
roll your eyes. You can even say
this is just a cry for attention.
Heck, you can stop reading now if you’d like. But, I believe that I’ve walked this journey for a
reason. I have a story and I know
that somewhere out there, someone could be struggling with the same thing. I want to help. I never want to see another young girl
feel the hurt and the pain that I felt as teenager. Those times are tough guys!] So, where do I start?
I
could tell you about a few times when I’ve hit rock bottom. But I’ll just share the first time I
can remember being absolutely broken…high school. My boyfriend, whom I thought I loved at the time, had broken
up with me only moments after I learned that my best friend had broken up with
her boyfriend. Two weeks later, my
best friend and my ex-boyfriend were officially dating. (I close my eyes
as I type, trying to push the pain of that event out of my life.) I didn’t know what to do anymore. In one night, it seemed as though I
lost my best friend and my boyfriend all at once. I was absolutely broken. There were days when I would come home from school and lay
on the couch, sobbing. It got to a
point where I remember my mom having concerns about me. What she didn’t know was her concerns
were legitimate. I had reached a
point in my life where I just didn’t want to feel the pain anymore. Luckily, I still knew my life had worth
and thank God I knew that. I knew
I could never take my own life.
But I was so emotionally broken that I needed to feel actual pain and
not just emotional pain.
So
I popped the rubber protection off of a bobby pin, stuck the metal pin in the
flame of a candle and began pressing it on my wrist. It hurt so badly, but at the time it felt so good. For two seconds, I wasn’t dealing with
my emotions. My pain was physical.
The blister that formed was easily explained away by saying I dropped my
flat iron. [I don’t recommend inflicting
physical pain on yourself to anyone.
The moment was fleeting and the emotional pain was still there when the
physical pain subsided.]
That
was a dark time in life. To be
honest, it continues, sometimes Satan creeps in and tells me that I am absolute
trash. And I let him win.
But,
I now have a cross tattooed on my wrist.
It’s just below the faint scar that remains from the days when I would
burn myself. At some point, I
realized that Christ took that pain for me. Even on my worst days, I can’t bring myself to inflict
physical pain anymore. He took
that pain, and I am free. The
cross reminds me of that.
So,
here I am. Considering starting a
blog. And I guess if this actually
makes it to a post, then I have started a blog. When my husband asked me why I would call a blog Beautifully
Broken, I told him (through text message), “Because that’s what I know. That’s been my life and my struggle. I am so broken when it comes to
self-esteem. But I can recognize
the beauty in my life. And I think
that makes me Beautifully Broken.”
I
hope you’ll tag along with me. I
have more thoughts and more stories.
I don’t know if I can help you, but I know this is already helping me on
the journey of discovering who I truly am. I want you to know the real me. Will you join me?
Love and laughter.
-Cassie
